notfaking_it | (no subject)

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delta

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Lily wasn't sure what the time was.

She knew she'd seen Sawyer, gone home, showered, thought about calling someone and in the end decided against it. She remembered leaving the apartment, thinking again about stopping at Nina's, then that she had walked to a nearby bar instead. She remembered buying her first drink, and receiving the few drinks that came after, but she couldn't put faces to the men who'd bought them for her.

They didn't matter. No one mattered.

This was why she never stayed in one place for too long. This was the reason she kept moving, finding a new job, a new city. This was why she kept her relationships light and easy, because then someone came along and got under her skin -- Nina, Eden, Sawyer, Delta -- and that could be okay. That wasn't the problem. It was when she stopped having control. It was when they became someone she needed that it was a problem. She wasn't used to needing anything or anyone, she was used to being the one in charge.

Somehow, after several drinks, that seemed like something she needed to explain to someone. To Delta, maybe, because he'd done the same thing Sawyer had and she wanted to know if he was going to continue following his example.

Eleanor was probably asleep. She realized that as she pressed the buzzer, then braced herself against the wall, waiting for Delta to answer.

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That, he could tell. It was part of what made him worried - he had never seen her like that, wasn't sure what to make of it. But he shook his head as he sat down beside her, a hand still on her shoulder. "It's all right. What can I do for you right now, Lily? Do you need anything?"

She'd come here for a reason, or she thought she had, but now that he was asking her what she needed, she didn't know. "I just..." She paused to think, trying to find the words she wanted to use, the things she needed to say.

"He was important in the same way you... you've become," she said, knowing because Delta had become important that maybe she wasn't supposed to be telling him this. She'd never been much of one for rules, though, and Delta was the only person she could think to talk to. "It's like being kicked in the stomach.

He was quiet for a moment, digesting that. Not even so much what she had said about him as the entirety of it. What it meant.

What it might mean for him. But he didn't want to ask about that now.

Instead he gave her a very small smile. "I think maybe I understand why you got drunk, then."

"You know, you might think it was a good plan, but now I just feel like I've been kicked in the stomach and the head," she said with a soft laugh, reaching up with one hand to card her fingers through her hair, drawing it back from her face. The truth was, no amount of alcohol could dull the pain she'd felt seeing Sawyer on the street, seeing the lack of recognition in his eyes.

She'd wanted something, some kind of spark, but there had been nothing.

"He's exactly the same person I knew," she said. "I've just... been erased."

"Good idea? No. I just said I understand." He caught her hand and held it. For the first time, hearing her talk about someone else - about another man - he was feeling something gnawing at his gut that he didn't even entirely understand. Something like anger that was nevertheless clearly not anger at all.

He didn't even know the man, but already he didn't like him. How was that reasonable?

"Maybe it will come back to him? I've heard of things like that happening to people here."

His hand was warm and Lily let him just hold hers for a moment before she twisted her hand and linked her fingers through his. She was so used to knowing exactly what she wanted, to being sure of herself, feeling confident and being able to move in that direction with ease, but she felt none of that now.

It hurt that Sawyer didn't remember her, but maybe it was better that way.

"Even if he did remember, I wouldn't be the same," she said, looking up at Delta. "I've been here for more than a year. Things are... they're different." He was probably different, too, she had to allow for that. He couldn't be exactly the same, no matter what she felt upon seeing him.

Edited 2013-08-31 14:14 (UTC)

He nodded slowly. Of course, nothing was the way it had been. He had been here long enough to know that, to know that though the things tethering him to the man he had been on the train - naked and mute and covered in ADAM - were still there, he wasn't that man anymore.

And before that, the man he had been and now couldn't even remember.

"There are some things we can never get back," he said quietly. "They're just... gone."

And maybe that didn't have to be so horrible. As much as it hurt, knowing he didn't remember, she remembered. Sawyer, like Nina, like Eden, he'd changed parts of her. Sometimes she didn't want to admit it, didn't even want to acknowledge it to herself, but he had.

It wasn't all bad.

"Even knowing that's true and knowing it's not the end of the world, it still sucks," she said, smiling a little.

"I suppose it does." He pulled her a little closer again and smiled against the top of her head. He felt a little bit better now, but he was still wondering.

There would be time for it later. Now it was selfish.

"I don't think you should have any more alcohol, but can I make you some tea? I have some that's very good."

It was good here, she thought. Even with Sawyer in Darrow, with Atlantis behind them, she liked being here. It wasn't a surprise, really, not a revelation, just a thought. "Yeah?" she asked, tilting her head up a little, brushing a kiss against Delta's chin. She'd come here for a reason, she thought, to ask him something, but now that she was here, she was feeling better.

"Maybe some tea would be nice," she decided.

Edited 2013-09-04 00:05 (UTC)

"I'll make some." He started to get up, then paused, his hand cupping her face. Suddenly he was very glad she had come to him, whatever the reason. He was glad she had thought that, feeling the way she did, he might be able to help.

"Come to the kitchen with me? We can talk some more, if you want to."

"I don't want to talk about Sawyer anymore," she said, touching his hand against her face, and she found it was the truth. Whatever happened, whether or not he remembered, she wasn't waiting for it. She'd never been the type of person to wait for something to happen, not when she had a life, not when she had things to do, things that made her happy.

It hurt that he didn't know her, ached in a way she hadn't known very often, but she could live with that.

She kissed Delta firmly, her hand cupping the back of his neck before she pulled back a little and smiled. "But I will come with you to the kitchen."

He leaned into the kiss, and that was the last thing that took all his uncertainty and bundled it away to where it couldn't bother him anymore, at least not for the moment. He smiled and took her hand.

The kitchen was small and he kept it very neat, a habit left over from the first strange experiences with organizing his own space. He released her to fill the kettle and grab two mugs from one of the cabinets.

"We don't have to talk about anything you don't want to. I'm glad you came to me, though."

Lily leaned against the counter, watching him for a moment, a faint smile curving the corners of her mouth. It was a little strange how much better she felt; still drunk, her reaction time slower, her thoughts a little fuzzy, but better all the same.

"You were good when I found his things," she answered, though that wasn't the only reason. She'd needed something from him, something he'd given her even if she hadn't outright asked for it. Somehow, he'd reassured her.

"Besides," she added, her smile growing. "When I get drunk, there's usually one thing I want in particular." And she hadn't gotten that from anyone else in a long time now.

He turned to look at her again, the stove on, and raised an eyebrow, still smiling. He wasn't always the best at picking up innuendo, but he thought maybe he was getting better at it. Though sometimes it was still hard to tell.

Regardless, if he was honest, he was happy to see her for more than a few self-interested reasons.

"Really? Should I guess?"

"You should definitely guess," Lily answered with a nod, pushing away from the counter so she could cross to where he was standing. She plucked at the front of his shirt gently, tilting her head as she looked up at him. She was glad she'd come here, happy to see him, happy to be standing here in his kitchen.

"I'll give you three chances," she said, sure it wouldn't take him nearly that many. "Then I'll just have to show you."

"I'll guess that it's not tea." He settled his hands on her hips, just looking at her. Even upset, even not entirely sober, she was still beautiful. He wondered if he might think she was beautiful in every state.

"But I'm not sure."

"I didn't come here specifically for tea," she agreed, both her hands coming to rest on his chest. "It's just a nice bonus that you're willing to make it for me." She hadn't come here specifically for sex either, which might have surprised her had she been a little more sober, but as it was, it just made sense.

"That counts as a guess, you know," she teased gently, poking his chest lightly with one finger.

He nodded, looking thoughtful. It felt good, playing like this. Lightening the heaviness that had followed her inside. "Is it talking? Did you come for talking?"

Which was funny, given his history with talking. He leaned in a little more, smelling alcohol and perfume and something under both of those that was perfectly, uniquely her.

"You know, I did come for a little talking," she agreed, pushing up onto her toes and brushing her lips against his cheek as she slipped both hands behind his neck. "But that wasn't quite what I was thinking either. Talking, tea, you know you only have one guess left."

He laughed against her cheek, and in a single easy motion he lifted her, turned and placed her on the counter. Sometimes he was still self-conscious about his size, his strength. Then at other times it was clearly an asset.

He slid between her legs, still smiling. "If you're going to show me, maybe I should turn off the stove."

Lily laughed when he lifted her and she hooked her foot around one of his legs, pressing another kiss to his cheek, then the line of his jaw. "Yeah, you probably should," she agreed, because she didn't want tea anymore. Her mouth moved down his jaw, against the skin just under his ear and she murmured, "We'll have tea later.

He let out a slow breath, not quite shivering as he reached over and turned off the burner. That done, he could turn his full attention to her, lips brushing hers but not quite kissing.

"We'll have to be quiet," he breathed. "Eleanor's sleeping."

"I can be very quiet," she whispered against his mouth, stroking the back of his neck lightly, her fingers toying with his hair. She could be just about anything he wanted, she thought, if it meant getting to be with him right now.

When she kissed him, it was slow, deep, and her eyes slipped closed easily. Sex wouldn't make everything better, it wouldn't make it easier and it wouldn't make Sawyer go away, but she wanted it all the same.

"Good," he managed before her mouth closed over his again. He wanted this too - had wanted it and not even really realized it. They should go to the bedroom, they should get these annoying clothes out of the way, but he couldn't quite move. It was always easy to get lost in tasting her, in how she smelled.

He slid a hand up her side and hesitated a moment before he cupped her breast through fabric, squeezing slightly.