notfaking_it | (no subject)

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t.j.

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It doesn't surprise Lily even a little to discover just how much she likes having T.J. around the studio.

He'd played for the artistic director and the instructors while she had watched under the pretense of needing to rehearse when all she'd really wanted to do was watch their reactions to him. She'd been sure, seeing their faces, that they'd want him to take the job and it doesn't come as a surprise to her when he's there for rehearsal the following Monday. He's talented, he's a much better player than the woman they've been using for the past year, and Lily is excited that he'll be around the studio.

More than that, she hopes it grows into something more. It might never be a full time job with the company, but the symphony director comes in, especially when they near the dates for their shows, and she's hoping he might hear something in T.J. that he'll want. She doesn't say this part, she has absolutely no control over something like that, but she hopes for it all the same.

Smiling, her face and hair damp, she shakes her arms out as she wanders over to T.J. as soon as the instructor calls their lunch break. She rolls her shoulders, then sits down beside him on the piano bench and nudges him with her shoulder. "Wanna eat lunch with me?" she asks, smiling. "You can sit with the cool kids at my table."

She mostly eats lunch alone in the studio and there are no tables, but she's actually looking forward to changing that. She has no problem with the other dancers and she gets along with them well enough, but this is different. This is better.

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"And who says you'll be able to stop me?" T.J. asks with an arched brow, grinning at her as they step out of the doorway, just as teasing as she is. Truthfully, he has a feeling that even if he did, she'd just retaliate, but that's beside the point. Mostly, it's just fun to fuck with her. He'd have given her a cigarette regardless.

He takes a deep breath before he continues, thoughtful. "It's been pretty great, actually," he says. "I mean, it's a lot different than playing for family, but I think it's going well. I haven't fucked up too badly or anything."

"You won't fuck up," she says, nudging him with her shoulder as they walk. "You're much better than the woman you're sharing the job with. I keep hoping she'll come in, hear you, realize she's no good and quit." She has no problems with their other pianist, she just likes T.J. better and she doesn't think it would surprise anyone to know she prefers to work with her friend.

"Is that bad?" she asks with a smile. "I think that might be bad." She doesn't much care one way or the other. Lily's never been particularly good at being quiet about her opinions.

"If it is, I don't care," T.J. says, laughing. "I mean, I sure as hell wouldn't complain." As it is, he's not going to complain about this, either. It's a job he can actually do well and it pays decently, even if it's only a few days a week, and he needs both of those things right now. That it means working with Lily is a bonus. Maybe it's a quieter life than he once wanted for himself, but that suits him better for the time being anyway. "No offense to her or anything."

"So how's the move going?" she asks as they get in line at the food truck, turning to face T.J. as they wait. With T.J. moving in with Thomas, it's nice to have him in the same building, but it's also gotten her thinking a little bit about Delta. However unconventionally they've come to the place they are now, she can't pretend they're not in a relationship. She hasn't slept with anyone else in nearly a year and a half, she's told him she loves him. The word boyfriend still hasn't specifically crossed her lips, but that doesn't mean that's not what he is.

This is the point, she thinks, where most people are considering moving in together, but she likes her space. She likes being with Delta, having him over, even spending time at his apartment with Eleanor. But she likes having a place to go back to that's just hers.

"It's going alright," T.J. says with a nod, one corner of his mouth lifting higher at the thought. "I'll be glad once everything is taken care of, but at least I don't have that much shit to worry about." He'd been glad for that when going off to rehab, too. Now, he's even more so, making it easier to transport everything from one apartment to the other. It'll still take a while to settle in once he has, probably — for all the nights he's spent at Thomas', it's different to be actually moving in — but that will be the biggest obstacle out of the way. "So now we're gonna be next door neighbors, and seeing each other at work. You sure you aren't gonna get too sick of me?"

"I think I'll be able to stand it," she says with a laugh. She's actually looking forward to having him close by, even if it does mean annoying Thomas with how often she shows up just to say hi or talk to T.J. about something. She has plenty of close friends in Darrow, people she's come to care about quite a bit, but she and T.J. see eye-to-eye on a lot of things and when it comes to talking to someone about her relationship with Delta, he's the only one she feels truly comfortable with.

"Besides, it's my goal in life to surround myself with handsome men," she teases. "So you're just bringing me one step closer."

"See, I knew I was friends with you for a reason," T.J. says, laughing. "Your life goal is the same as mine. And I am happy to lend my services." It's not like he's stopped having eyes just because he's in a relationship now, and he's sure the same is true for Lily, even if neither of them would ever fool around. There can't really be anything wrong with being appreciative. "You know, I would have moved anyway — actually, I wanted out of my place even before Thomas asked me to move in — but it's kind of a plus, so many of us being in the same building."

"It's definitely a full house," she agrees. "But I like it." There is a part of her that thinks she might enjoy having Delta in the building, too, having him closer without having to actually move in with him. She thinks if anyone might understand that, it'll be T.J. and she considers how to best say it.

"You know I've been dating Delta for a year and a half," she says, looking at the food truck as she speaks. "But we've never talked about living together. I'm not sure I could. I've lived on my own since I was seventeen, I've gotten really used to having my own space."

"Jesus, has it really been a year and a half?" T.J. asks, brow raising as he glances over at her. It's not a figure he's unfamiliar with, having been here just slightly longer than that himself, but it's still kind of staggering to think about in those terms. There's a lot it puts in perspective. Pretty soon, he thinks it'll be a year since he and Thomas first hooked up, and while it might have taken a while longer for that to become a relationship, it seems like a big deal even so.

With a shrug, he continues. "I think that's fine. I mean, it's not like there's some rule of dating that you have to live together once it gets serious. If you need your own space, you need your own space."

"Good thing he seems to think so, too," Lily answers with a laugh, pushing some of her still-damp hair back from her face. It's part of why things with Delta have been easy right from the start. Because he doesn't remember his life before being put in that suit, he doesn't have any expectations, he's not waiting for her to follow some stupid set of rules people abide by for no other reason than they're supposed to. Lily's never been great at doing things she's supposed to.

"And it's fine, I think we're both okay with our arrangement the way it is," she says. "It just makes me wonder. I don't know if I'll ever be that person."

"I never thought I would be, either," T.J. says, a little softer, not to make a point but because it's still pretty staggering. Before Sean, he never thought this would be him. After, he'd been even more convinced of it. How he wound up here, he still doesn't really know, which he suspects Lily would get. They both got taken by surprise, as far as he can tell, even if they're in different places with it. But then, he's known for a long time that there's no right way to do this, that even going by the book or what the fuck ever rarely means much. His parents did, and that didn't exactly work out well. "I mean, as long as this works for the two of you... Besides, I kinda like the person you are now."

"Oh, that works out well, because I like me, too," she teases before stepping up to order the fries for the two of them to share. Stepping back after she's paid, waiting by the window where their order will appear, she looks thoughtful, her smile faded a little. It's not that she's worried, really, she's never been the type, but she does think about it now and then. About what sort of future Delta might want from her.

And whether or not she'll be able to give it to him.

"Sometimes I wonder what I'll do if he ever wants to get married," she admits. "It's just... I've never imagined myself doing that. I don't know if I could."

"If he ever wants to get married, you say so," T.J. says, though he knows it's not really that simple. He's fleetingly wondered the same thing himself, only to shrug it off as something that would never happen. Now, he has to wonder instead if maybe he's been in denial about it. For a lot of people, it's a foregone conclusion, a logical next step. Not so for him, though, or, unsurprisingly, for Lily. "Honestly, I think it's overrated, anyway, marriage. The most it actually affects is how you pay your taxes."

"I'm not particularly worried about my taxes," she says with a laugh. "Maybe it'll be that simple. I can say I don't want to and he'll be fine, but... I guess there's always the possibility he wouldn't be fine with it."

She's getting ahead of herself, she knows she is, but it's not in her nature to be with someone exclusively for so long. At this point, she's as out of her element as anyone, perhaps even more. She would never call her experiences limited, but in this situation, she knows as much as Delta.

"And maybe he wouldn't be," T.J. says, shoulders lifting. It's not like he wants to downplay it, and he isn't sure there's any real reassurance he can offer her — he thinks he's probably the last person who should be any kind of authority on the subject — but the least he can do is try. "But that doesn't have to be the beginning and the end of it. I mean, it's not black and white, you shouldn't have to get married if you don't want to. If it comes to that, and, I mean, that's still a pretty big if, just... talk it through. And, hey, if he needs some stories to scare him off the subject, I've got plenty."

"Maybe I'll take you up on that," Lily says with a laugh and she'd really like Delta to get to know T.J. better to begin with. He's one of the most important people in her life, he's as much her family as anyone and though Delta and Eleanor are bonded in a different way, she thinks they'd both understand the concept of a chosen family in a way some people might not.

Reaching up to take her fries when they're delivered, she gestures for T.J. to follow her over to one of the nearby tables. "It's not like it's something I dwell on much. I just... I've never been here," she admits. "I always cut and run long before now."

"It's pretty fucking scary," T.J. says. "Especially when you aren't used to this." He's been too grateful for it to back away, especially since December, knowing Thomas stuck around when a hell of a lot of people wouldn't have and how lucky that makes him. It's still scary for him, too, heading into uncharted territory like this, not knowing what might happen, a part of him still wondering when the bottom might drop out. At least one night stands never came with all this uncertainty.

Following Lily over to the table, he plucks a fry from the container, taking a bite before he continues. "I'm still figuring it out, too. This is farther than I've ever gotten."

"We can figure it out together," she says with a laugh, sinking down onto the bench and setting the fries down. "It's the furthest I've ever gotten, too. At least since I was a teenager, which hardly counts." A relationship as a sixteen-year-old is a hell of a lot different than the one she's in now.

"But they're good guys," she says, taking a bite of a fry. "Both of them." She's not sure many people would have dealt with Nina's death and funeral as well as Delta had and she knows how long Thomas spent waiting for T.J. in that hospital.

"Yeah, they are," T.J. says, smiling faintly. He's pretty sure that Thomas would say otherwise, but then, he wouldn't exactly call himself a good person, either, so they're probably even on that front. What matters is that it works, and, somehow, in spite of all the shit he's pulled, it does. And while he might not know Delta well, it isn't difficult to tell that he's good for Lily. It would take a lot, he's sure, for her to settle into a relationship like this. That alone tells him a lot about the guy. "Definitely a step up from the last relationship I was in."

"Yeah?" she asks, her eyebrow lifted. "Is that the one who was blackmailed?" She's not even sure what she can consider her last relationship. In her way, she's had several over the past few years; Nina, Eden, Eames and Sawyer. She's loved them all deeply in her way and still does, though she knows none of them would have ever called her their girlfriend and she's perfectly content with that. But they were still significant relationships in her life, even if they hadn't been monogamous.

If she counts them, she wouldn't be able to claim Delta is a step up, just because nothing is so simple. A step sideways, maybe, into entirely new territory.

"Yep, that's the one," T.J. confirms with a short nod, smile dry. "I mean, even if you ignore how it ended, there was still the whole wife and kids thing, and the whole him being in the closet thing, and the crossing party lines thing. Even if it had worked out, it would have been messy. And a goddamn media circus once people found out." That had been the difference between them, though. He'd been willing to weather it, maybe because his whole life had been one, because his teenage years had been embroiled in similar but worse scandals involving his dad. Sean hadn't. He wishes that didn't still sting. "None of that's the case here."

She knows it's nothing in comparison, but she can't help but think of the reporters who had hounded her for weeks after Nina's death, showing up at the studio and her apartment, following her between the two. Sometimes she wonders what they would have actually printed if she'd told them everything, but she's glad she said nothing.

"Good," she says. "I know there are plenty of relationships that can weather that sort of thing, but they shouldn't have to. Half my job is catering to media at functions, but when they start to dig into personal lives..." She trails off and shakes her head, frowning a little.

"It's a nightmare," T.J. finishes for her. Even that's putting it mildly. Really, it's bullshit, how entitled they seem to feel to every little detail. For him, it was entirely his personal life they were interested in, anyway. It's not as if he ever had any kind of career that drew their interest. Had he been born to any other two people, no one would have cared at all. The thought is more appealing than he knows how to put into words. "Even my dad — by the end, they cared way more about his personal life than his policies. It's all anyone remembers." He shakes his head. "You know, I'd still say it's the best thing about this place, that no one like that gives a fuck who I am here, who I sleep with, what I do with my life."

What he really means is December, and the overdose that landed him in the hospital, but he doesn't want to mention it outright if he doesn't have to. He's pretty damn sure, though, that he wouldn't have been able to get or at least stay sober if he'd had to deal with the media fallout of something like that yet again. Too much of his life has been made available for public consumption as it is, and he can't stand it, being written off only to manage to fulfill everyone's expectations. In that way, the paparazzi, the gossip magazines, the general populace, they're no different from his family, except they have no fucking reason to be invested.

"And here I thought I was the best part of this place," Lily says with a laugh, but her smile softens and she reaches over, giving T.J.'s knee a gentle squeeze. "I only spent a few weeks with the media following me around after Nina died, I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like all the time. Every little detail out there for people to read..." She shakes her head, looking down at her food. She's never been one for celebrity gossip magazines, it's always felt so intrusive and not all that interesting to her, and now she's glad she can say as much. That T.J. has had to face that bothers her and she doesn't want to think of herself as someone who would have ever contributed to that problem.

"But some of us give a fuck," she adds a second later, smiling up at him again. "If you were sleeping with some incredible creep, you have to know I'd be right there, trying to talk you out of it." And she's here with him, trying to make sure she supports him in his sobriety, which isn't something she'd do for very many people.

"Oh, of course. I'd fully expect you to kick his ass," T.J. says with a wry grin, needing the levity. It isn't as if he minds talking about it — he's the one who really went there — but if he dwells on it too seriously for too long, all it'll do is weigh him down, and there's no sense in that when he's away from it all now anyway. Sometimes he's had to wonder what his life would have been like without all the attention, the paparazzi hounding his family whenever they could, the goddamn TV movies about them. He wonders if he'd have turned out better, if he would never have started using, or if he was always bound to go down this path. It's pointless when he'll never know, but so much of his life has been shaped by who his parents are that it's impossible not to think about what would have happened if his life had been his own. "But that's the difference, right? You care about how it affects me. Because, yeah, you're also pretty high up there as far as being the best part of this place goes."