notfaking_it | (no subject)

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delta

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She wasn't nervous, necessarily, but it had been a long time since Lily had been on a date. She went out and she danced, she had dinner with people she loved, spent time with people she slept with, but all the while -- even with Sawyer, she realized -- she'd never allowed anything to be called a date. It was easier that way. If she never called it a date, no one ever thought they were dating and while Lily definitely wasn't adverse to spending time with the same person over weeks or months or even years, she hadn't had a boyfriend or a girlfriend in a very long time and she mostly preferred it that way.

It made things easier.

But something about Delta was different. She doubted he'd ever assume they were dating without first making sure and although he still seemed to be finding his footing, Lily was sure if she explained things to him, he'd follow them easily.

So she wasn't nervous, but she also wasn't entirely sure what she was doing.

Given that it was her first date in a long time -- and his first date ever, according to him -- she'd made sure to keep things simple. She was dressed in jeans, a pair of black boots and a dark sweater under her jacket when she arrived at his place to pick him up. Pressing the buzzer at the front door, she waited, hands in her pockets, for him to answer.

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He listened, trying to understand - and when it came down to it, he didn't even have to try that hard. Something about it felt familiar.

Even if in ways he didn't like.

"When I was still... Where I came from," he said slowly, "I felt like that sometimes. Not with dancing. It was something else."

For Lily, that feeling was amazing, the best thing in the world, the feeling she'd be chasing after the rest of her life. But she doubted it had been the same for Delta. Not entirely, anyway.

"Do you wish you were still doing that now?" she asked. "That you could find that feeling again?"

Edited 2013-04-23 14:59 (UTC)

"No," he said slowly. "No, because it involved killing people."

The perfect simplicity of the fire shooting out of his hands, the lightning. A well-aimed shotgun blast. Nothing to worry about except pushing through hordes of splicers, none of whom he had to think of as people.

Killing people in order to protect someone. Lily looked at Delta for a moment, not saying anything, just thinking. It didn't surprise her, really, but she also wasn't afraid and didn't any less comfortable than she was a moment ago.

"You led a very interesting life before this city, didn't you?" she said finally.

"Interesting is one word for it." He shot her a thin smile, picking up his burger again, though he didn't immediately take a bite out of it.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to... kill the mood, I suppose. But I think..." He paused, deliberating. He wasn't sure exactly how to say this, only that it needed to be said. "I want to be honest with you. About everything."

Lily's own relationship with honesty could be interesting at times, but when she lied, she did so carefully, weaving it with truth, using it to help people. She didn't lie to take advantage of someone or to hurt them and so she smiled when he spoke.

"Honest is good," she said. "And you didn't kill the mood."

"Good." He smiled a little wider. "I like the mood." He took another massive bite of his burger and closed his eyes for a moment, getting lost in the swirling combination of flavors.

"Anyway," he said after another few moments, "I'm looking for it other places. That feeling. I'm just not sure where I'll find it yet."

Lily watched him for a moment, pausing to take a sip of her beer as he enjoyed his burger. Even if nothing else, even if they didn't go on another date, she was glad she was here to see this. He looked like he was enjoying himself and she was happy to be a part of that.

"It's hard," she said. "I was lucky to find it so young. I think there are probably people who never find it at all."

He was quiet again, thinking. "When I first got here," he said finally, "I wondered why I was here at all. I wondered why I was alive at all. Though I was so happy to be. I was..."

He smiled again. "I think this is part of why." He waved a hand between them. "Having this."

"You're alive to have dates?" Lily asked, though she was clearly teasing, her smile growing. "I mean, as purposes go, that's certainly not one of the more terrible options. So are you saying I'm just the first in a long line of women you'll be seeing? Do I have to be jealous?"

"Yes," he said, laughing. "That's why. That is the only reason." He paused again, looking at her across the table, his smile smaller but no less genuine.

"I'm not sure there's that long a line."

"Short line?" Lily asked, lifting her hand and holding her fingers an inch apart to indicate the length of the line. She had a hard time believing he wouldn't have women knocking down his door if he wanted them. Maybe he just didn't know that yet, but he would, she expected. She couldn't be the only person in Darrow who found him attractive.

"No line." He rolled a shoulder and slid the tip of his forefinger through some of the sauce, sucking it clean. "The truth is... I'm not sure what to do with a woman. In general, I mean. Yes, I've read enough to know about love, marriage, what goes along with those, but I don't remember doing it. If I ever did."

"I'm sure you did," Lily said, watching as he lifted his finger to his mouth, her eyebrow arched as she grinned. It was difficult not to watch. "But like I said before, it doesn't matter. I'm not going to expect you to follow a set of rules you don't know or can't remember. I don't expect anything except to spend time with you, which is exactly what I'm getting, so you're doing well so far."

He laughed softly. It was good to hear; to the extent that he needed reassurance, it was reassuring. That she did that at all... that was good.

Very good.

"I know. I'm only saying." He toyed with his glass a little. "It would be nice to know already."

Taking care to make sure her beer and his glass were out of the way, Lily stood up a little and leaned across the table. She pressed the tips of her fingers against his jaw, then leaned closer to brush her mouth over his in a slow kiss.

"You get to experience these sorts of things for the first time all over again," she murmured, knowing full well she should probably sit down. They were still in a restaurant, after all. "There's always a bright side."

He knew what it was, knew what it was even before it happened, but when her lips touched his he froze, body briefly confused about what was expected of it.

But only briefly. When she pulled back enough to speak, he didn't think too hard about it, slid one hand into her hair and pulled her back in again. It was still slow, still a little hesitant...

But it wasn't like he didn't know how. Some part of him did. Knew it very well.

It surprised her a little bit, but Lily closed her eyes when he kissed her again and let out a soft hum of contentment against his mouth. Even if he couldn't remember it, it was clear that some part of him did somehow, everything about it exactly as it should be, from the press of his lips to his hand in her hair. She'd meant what she said earlier, she'd come into the date with no expectations, but she wasn't at all disappointed with his reaction.

He smiled when he pulled back again. He might still have no real idea what to do, but some part of him remembered something. Something from behind that big, blank wall.

"That was... nice."

"It really was," Lily agreed, sinking back into her chair, running her thumb against the corner of her mouth. Then she grinned and picked up her beer to take another drink. "Do you remember it? Some part of you? Or is it really like doing it all for the first time?"

"I'm not sure." Now that it was over he felt strangely meditative, almost quiet, as if a kind of tension had been released. "It's... both, somehow. It's hard to explain."

"Then don't worry about explaining it," she said, though she still thought that sounded kind of nice. She liked kissing -- she liked more than kissing -- but the idea of getting to discover it all over again, being the person she was now, it was appealing. "People think too much about explaining things instead of just feeling them."

He was quiet again, considering this. Back in Rapture, all he had been was feeling. Pain, fear. Love. No words for any of it. It had been beyond words.

"All I wanted to do when I got here was learn to speak," he said at last. "But now... I wonder if it really was the solution to everything."

"Words can be wonderful," Lily answered. "And useful, of course, don't get me wrong. I'm not sure how far our entire society would have gotten without language, but there are some things that don't need words." She laughed and said, "I make my living telling a story without any words at all, making people feel things just through dancing. I can't tell someone my character is sad or happy or in love, I have to make them feel it by the way I move."

"I like watching you move," he said, quick and out there before he had time to wonder if it was something he should say. But it was true. And given that it was true, why hide it?

Why think too hard about anything now?

"When we're done here... Do you want to go somewhere else?"