notfaking_it | (no subject)

"So I can dance for the rest of my life, until my old bones can't take it anymore," Lily agreed, although she knew the chances of her being here for the rest of her life were slim. The idea of alternate time lines or separate realities still wasn't something she even worried about grasping. For now, she was here. Eventually, if history was to be trusted, she'd leave and what happened beyond that couldn't be anticipated. For the most part, she was okay with that.

It was the people she'd miss leaving. That much was becoming more clear every day and she looked at Sawyer for a moment, then glanced down at her sandwich.

"So what about you? What would you do here if there was nothing holding you back and you could do whatever you liked for as long as you liked?" she asked before taking a big bite of her sandwich.

"I ain't got nothin' like that," Sawyer snorted, shaking his head. And it was true. There wasn't a single thing that he could see himself doing for the rest of his life, nothing that he thought would catch his attention remarkably well, nothing that had touched him in such a way that he knew he wanted it to continue. Jobs never fell into that area for him, nor hobbies. When it came to trying to look into the future and picture what there would be lying there for him, it was only ever the people that Sawyer seemed to care about.

But the thing about people was that one could never really make them stay, and not even just in the sense that the island snatched them away at random. People always changed, and even a steady relationship usually suffered from a slow pull in opposite directions.

"I'm plenty fine working on the IPD and having that stupid radio show," he smirked, before nodding to the sandwich. "Any good?"

"Amazing," she answered honestly, though she felt that way about most food and didn't think the answer would come as much of a surprise. "What's it like working on the IPD?"

When she'd first arrived and spent a few days getting to know the island, she'd been surprised to learn that there was a police department. It had seemed so quiet, so peaceful, and the people had gotten along without worrying about much of anything, she felt. It wasn't until she'd heard some of the stories that she'd realized the need for it. Even if there wasn't a rash of crime that happened every day, there was really no telling what could happen. There was always the possibility of someone dangerous arriving, the 'what ifs' that existed in New York every bit as real here.

"Do you train a lot?" she asked, getting up from her chair to get them both a glass from the cupboard. Then, opening the fridge, she looked back at him and added, "Water?"

"Ain't much to it, honestly," Sawyer replied with a grin, pleased with her compliment, even if he couldn't imagine her saying less of decent food. "And water's fine." He takes a bite of his own sandwich— which is pretty good, in fact, though it could probably use some sauce, if he's aiming to try again next time— before turning his mind to thoughts of the IPD. In some ways, intangible and indescribable, he felt gratified just being in the position, having the ability to say that he looked after the welfare of the people and that he was meant to be there in a pinch. In other ways, though, it really wasn't a taxing job. Most of what he did was on his own initiative, save for that stint in Rapture— though even then, he would've gone down without even being prompted.

"You might be mistakin' us for the Task Force. They do all sortsa training, gotta stay in shape, they're the ones who really get into the weird crap that happens on the island. We're here to keep it together between the citizens. Slightly different, though a bunch of us end up overlappin' anyway," Sawyer waved his hand dismissively. "On my end, it just gives me an excuse to go all 'round the island."

Lily poured them both a glass of water and returned to the table, sliding one toward Sawyer. "Go around the island and visit girls in the dance studio?" she asked, smiling back at him. There was more to it than that, she was sure, more work, more responsibility, but at long as he seemed to like it, that was good enough for her. It wasn't the sort of thing Lily could imagine herself doing. Being involved in the arts, sometimes, was a completely selfish career. It was something she could share with people, but in the end, she was a dancer solely because she wanted to be a dancer. It wasn't to help anyone or to share with the people who came to see her.

That was always an afterthought.

"I've seen the Task Force," she added, nodding thoughtfully. "I don't think I'd have enough discipline for something like that." Forcing herself out of bed to dance every day was something else entirely, something she loved to do, but she wouldn't have been able to do it for much else.

He caught the glass easily, taking a shallow drink. While he didn't have a reply in mind for her quip, he offered in its stead a smile, slightly suggestive before he shook it off, taking another bite of the sandwich. It wasn't often that he went around and visited people during the day, certainly not girls in dance studios, engaging in a hobby that he'd never really known much about at all, nor showed particular interest in. But he liked to think that with Lily, it was just a result of their friendship being easy, the type where they could exchange niceties in such a way.

"I ain't got that level of dedication either," he admitted, turning back to talk of the Task Force. "'Least, not when leaving all well alone seems to get us by well enough on the island. Sure, shit happens, but sometimes I can't help noticin' that the worst always takes place when we all meddle too much. There was that space station, started tryin' to kill everyone once inside. Or that city, Rapture, probably would've turned on itself if we let well enough alone. Police department's good enough for me. Protect people from themselves. Not the island. I ain't got a clue how to fight an island."

"No, I guess fighting something like that isn't exactly easy," she agreed thoughtfully, her finger tracing the rim of her glass as she considered what she thought about the island. Fighting it was never something she'd considered, still unsure of where she stood on whether or not it was the island doing these things to its residents or something else. Something bigger. What that something might be, Lily wasn't sure, but she also didn't feel comfortable blaming a land mass for turning toys into killers or an underground city appearing without warning.

This was all partly due to the fact that she didn't give much thought to it at all. So far, she'd escaped most of the island's worst games and it was easy for Lily to brush it all aside because of that.

"Do you think it is the island?" she asked curiously. "I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not exactly bursting with theories myself, but I'm just... I'm always curious to see what people think."

"I don't think it's the hunk of land makin' all the choices on what to do to us, if that's what you're askin' me," Sawyer replied with a soft huff of air. His eyes grew distant, thinking of the Others, thinking of that computer counting down every one-hundred and eight minutes, thinking of all of the pieces that didn't have any right fitting on the island. Pieces that humans had brought there and manipulated at will. There was still a whole lot that Sawyer didn't understand about that island that he'd left, black smoke unfurling through the air like something thick, languid, and poisonous, but what he did know was that the island had something magical to it.

But that people were just as responsible for what happened there.

"The island's got a lotta power. Whether that comes from people or is part of the island itself, I don't know. But what I know 'bout people's that no matter where that power comes from, there's always someone who wants to figure out how to manipulate it just right."

He wasn't wrong about that, Lily knew. Even though it was never been on so grand a scale, she wasn't above manipulation, turning situations to suit her needs, though she didn't do it often and she didn't think she did it at the expense of others.

"That's pretty much where I'm at," she agreed, though she hadn't given it a lot of thought beyond the idea that it couldn't possibly be the island behind what went on. "I guess it's just easier to refer to whatever happens as being part of the island. I talked about it with Thomas once or twice, not in any depth, but enough to establish that I don't think you can blame an island for whatever happens here."

She laughed and gave a shrug. "But I don't have anything better to blame either. And I'm not even sure why I'm so interested in it."

"Well, thing is, it ain't like we've got any proof that it's somethin' other than the island," Sawyer pointed out with a tilt of his head. "If God's real, seems to me like He could very well decide to give an island a mind of its own for whatever the hell reason He wants. So... I dunno, guess I just try not to think about it that way, 'cause it's easier to think of this all having a face behind it."

He reached out for his water again, taking a deeper gulp to buy himself time. There were things he could mention to her. Whispers in a jungle, smoke that lived and breathed. But there didn't seem to be much of a point. None of that had quite made its way to this one yet. Maybe none of his prior experiences were applicable at all.

"I'll tell you guy you're interested, though. 'Cause we're prisoners. And if we're prisoners, you can damn well bet that all of us would at least rather know who's keeping us all here."

"I don't know if that's entirely true," Lily countered thoughtfully. "There seems to be a lot of people who are content to live here and not think about it very often." She didn't fault them for that; people were curious in general, but after being here for four or five years without getting any answers, she could understand losing interest in trying to discover the purpose behind all of it.

But he was right about being prisoners, even if she didn't think of it in quite those terms. The reason she chose not to was simply to avoid acknowledging that they were all stuck here against their will. They were prisoners, exactly as he'd said. Well fed, well kept prisoners, but they were still kept here against their will, brought here without a choice.

He shook his head, the motion easy as his thumbnail ran over the lines of his forehead, smoothing them out as best he can as he worked on swallowing the bite he had first, not wanting to be rude. "Ain't it, Pavlova. You can be happy as hell that you're on this island. You can think of it as home and be... Neil McCormick, have kids, the whole deal. But you get a chance to figure out what's here and work around it? You take it. 'Cause for the people who wanna stay here, people leavin' is about the most terrifyin' thing there is."

The look he gave her, silent and gently challenging, quickly shifted to his sandwich again as he took another bite, even as he felt his hunger waning.

"I guess they're just better at being subtle about it than the people who want to get out of here," Lily allowed with a laugh, because she couldn't argue with him on that. Of the people she knew on the island, Sawyer was the only one she'd ever spoken to about something like this and the only one whose opinions about it she could say she knew. She wondered if Eden, who had been on the island longer than anyone else Lily knew, would agree with his assessment. If she was always looking for a way not to leave.

"I don't know that I know too many people who want to stay here," she said, considering. She imagined Jeff and Eames both would want to leave in a heartbeat. Faye had someone here now, something to stay for, but she didn't know if she'd stay given the chance or leave and take Dean with her. "Would you?" she asked. "If you were given the choice?"

It wasn't the first time he'd been asked, but somehow the question felt new every single time, a different set of people he had to consider, a different set of circumstances. He thought of Calliope, accustomed to seeing him stop by every day. He thought of Neil and the girls, the former surely scared of having people leave, the latter two so accustomed to it that it was the ones who remained that became the exception to the rule. He thought of Lily, of the IPD, of his neighbors, and in the end he managed a small shrug, mind turning to thoughts of people from the other island.

"Probably," he decided, gaze growing distant as he ripped off a piece of crust from the sandwich. "Left a life behind, and I don't just mean a job and an apartment. There were people countin' on me back there."

Slowly, she nodded, not disappointed or all that surprised by the answer. It wasn't as though Lily had wanted for friends, but the only person who'd come to mean anything to her in New York was also on the island. With the exception of the company, there was nothing she'd left that wasn't easily replaced.

And there was no one counting on her.

She didn't feel sorry for herself because of this, didn't feel sorry for him that he did have people counting on him. Their lives had been different, that was all. "Then you'd have to come through," she said, giving him a smile. "I guess the only thing relying on me in New York is Swan Lake and I'm pretty sure that could go ahead without me."

It felt like an opportune moment to explain who exactly was still relying on him back on the other island, but somehow, Sawyer didn't feel like elaborating. Didn't feel like unearthing a part of his life that he wasn't sure yet how to mix with his life on Tabula Rasa, even after so many months of being on the latter. The experiences came with him regardless of blank slate or not, but the dangers were different on this new island, and the people equally so. Somehow, all of the Oceanic passengers had felt lost, in their own way. Drifting. Most were unhappy or alone.

On Tabula Rasa, it felt like anything but.

"Oh, I don't know, I think they're missin' out big if they don't got you in their production," he argued with a grin, shaking his head. "And maybe it's worth jumpin' through just so you've got better productions coming after that."

"But here I get to play the lead role in any production I want," Lily answered, smiling. "All I need is to train a big, strong man to help me with the lifts and I'll have everything to do my own production." That was all they were lacking, in the end. A few male dancers to play those ever important roles, to help with the lifts. "I suggested to Nina that she and I do something. Find a duet we both love and rewrite it without the male roles, because neither of us are going to be able to lift the other."

And she wanted to. It wasn't something that was often done in the world she came from. As much as the rest of the world could rage against gender roles, there was always a place for them in ballet. The men did the lifting, the women were the ones who were lifted.

"Swan Lake without any pesky prince to get in the way," she said, teasing.

"World's better off without us anyway," Sawyer pointed out with a slow nod, meaning the statement more than he cared to admit. While he didn't dislike men on the whole, while he certainly didn't think it possible to seriously make any statement about them as a cohesive group, he knew full well how much trouble men could cause, and society seemed intent on giving them more than their share at that, only worsening things in the long run. "All we do's come in and throw everyone off with how irresponsible we all are. I'd offer to help you out with the lifts, but I'd probably end up missin' half the practices before I realized it. Plus, I ain't exactly the most graceful guy around."

He paused, nose wrinkling.

"And I ain't ever gonna wear a pair of tights. Leaves way too little to the imagination, if you ask me."

Lily laughed again, shaking her head at that. "You wouldn't have to wear tights," she teased, although she was hardly the person to force anyone to be involved with something like ballet. Even when she'd first started, she knew it wasn't the sort of thing that everyone would be interested in and knew she couldn't expect everyone to want to be involved, let alone listen to her talk about it.

"I like men, though. I think I'll keep them around in my life," she said, hooking her hair behind her ears. She liked men, she liked women, she liked being around people, having them involved in her life in one way or another. If men could cause trouble, women could cause just as much. Lily was testament to that, she knew, even though she didn't say it. It was possible she wouldn't even have to say it, that Sawyer would know that about her without the words being said.

"Well, some people just like makin' trouble for themselves, I guess," Sawyer replied with a soft chuckle, watching her fingers as she tucked her hair behind her ears, an action subtle, yet one that always drew his gaze in without delay. It didn't take knowing Lily all that long to see that she was the type who could get along with just about anyone, were they given a decent opportunity to get to know her. "Just remember that the next time you're mad at me— you asked for it first."

Never mind that she'd never been mad at him, Sawyer thought silently, though he found himself curious as to what would drive her to that point in the first place. She wasn't all too fond of that Thomas guy, but Sawyer had never had the time to meet him and figure out what he was all about.

Curiosities he'd satisfy later, he supposed.

"Next time?" she asked, her eyebrows lifting as she smiled. "Doesn't there have to be a first time in order for there to be a next time?" She was sure he'd be able to piss her off -- most people could, when they got close enough -- but she hadn't found any reason to be angry with him so far.

"But I'll keep that in mind," she continued, though it was clear it didn't bother her all that much. All friendships, all relationships came with their own set of conflicts, whether they came out right away or years down the line. "Whenever you find a way to drive me crazy, I'll just remind myself that I asked for it. If you manage," she teased.

"Next time you oughta be mad at me, then," Sawyer concluded, similarly arching a brow. Whether or not she was capable of even being angered in the first place was a question that Sawyer very honestly wanted to ask. Practically everyone who'd stopped by his house those couple of days after Kate's departure had been aggravated at best, infuriated at worst. Except Lily, it seemed.

"Maybe I'm just covering his ass. But I like that," he grinned at himself, nodding slowly as his gaze grew momentarily distant.

"Almost like I've got carte blanche."

"Well, you still have to be nice," Lily said slowly, but she was still smiling. No one was nice all the time, no one was even capable of being nice all the time and she didn't expect it of anyone. Eventually, everyone had a breaking point.

"It's hard to really piss me off, though," she admitted, thinking about it. "It's easy to get me to be a bitch, but it's hard to make me really, genuinely angry." She could think of a few times in the past few years when she'd been angry at someone, but it usually passed quickly. There were certainly people she didn't like much, but she figured there were people out there who didn't like her either. "I'm not one for holding grudges."

Sawyer snorted, though it was with a playful grin. He was pretty sure that he hadn't been the nicest of men, not to Lily, not to anyone else he knew. The difficulty came in the way that Sawyer tended to roll with whatever he felt a person deserved. If a person was better than Sawyer was— as a person, a friend, an acquaintance— by a great deal, then he had the tendency to allow that to be. Acted the jerk to spare them in the long run.

"Well, if you think I've been nice already, I guess I ain't got too high of a bar to jump," he pointed out, before tilting his head in thought. "Does it make me sexist if I say that I ain't one for holding grudges against women?"

"Nah. We're prettier, usually, it's harder to hold a grudge," Lily answered, then laughed. "I don't know, as long as you're not treating me like a second class citizen because I have a vagina, I probably won't go around calling you sexist." She didn't mind being treated differently just because she was a woman, provided it wasn't that she was being treated poorly. That was probably a double standard that some people might find unacceptable, but she was used to that, too.

There were plenty of other dancers who hadn't liked her simply because of how she chose to present herself. She was used to certain judgments.